Urge Overkill
For many of our clients dealing with parties, happy hours, holidays, and vacations while trying to achieve weight loss goals is anxiety provoking. I can relate. To me, the white knuckling (and resulting feelings of restriction) through parties, eating out, and just the ins and outs of life is the hardest part of following a nutrition plan. If you've followed a diet or worked really hard to eat with intention, you know the predicament I'm talking about - you're trucking along with your plan and then BAM! It's the Super Bowl, a birthday party, spring break, a work trip and you are faced with the dilemma of managing tempting foods, wine, drinks, etc. that are not on your food plan. It can be especially challenging when all your friends, family, and co-workers are going hog wild. I have a big secret to share: the answer is not willpower. This post is all about strategies I've learned and developed for dealing with this aspect of cutting (dieting down) to have an enjoyable, no white knuckle weight loss experience.
The Worst Thing That Can Happen Is An Emotion
If you think about it urges, desires, and temptations for off-plan foods are just emotions and when we deny them we then experience the emotion of deprivation. Deprivation never feels good.
It can't be that we have to give into every urge or temptation that comes along to avoid having to feel restriction, so the trick is managing all of these emotions. How exactly do we manage our emotions? We have the following options: react, resist, avoid, or allow the emotion. When it comes to urges and temptations, here's how this looks: react - dive head first into the food/drink and indulge the temptation; resist - deny that you are having the urge or temptation and willpower/white knuckle your way through it (like pushing a beach ball under the water); avoid - remove yourself from the presence of the urge/temptation or remove the temptation so you don't have to feel deprived; allow - acknowledge the urge or temptation and any resulting deprivation, feel it in your body, and allow it to dissipate.
Usually, if we don't want to give into the urge or temptation we resist or avoid the temptation. To me, the resisting is just miserable because it generates such strong feelings of deprivation. I can only push the beach ball down for so long until it pops up and smacks me in the face. So why not just avoid anything that is tempting? I don't know about you, but that sounds miserable, too. I don't want to skip the the Super Bowl or birthday parties, or anything else just because I'm trying to lose some weight - this is definitely not a lifestyle that is appealing to me. My highest self wants to be able to do it all - go to the parties, work trips, spring breaks - without all the mind drama about what I can or can't eat. So what's the answer?
I'm here to tell you that the urges and temptations will resolve themselves rather quickly if you just allow them. This does not mean you indulge them (that's reacting to them). But you can acknowledge the urge/temptation, process the emotion, make a decision about what you want to do, and get on with your life. Think about it - if you could learn this skill - allowing and processing feelings of desire/temptation/deprivation with respect for your highest goals, what could you not do?
The White Knuckle Cycle
I have more good news: emotions are generated by our thoughts. This is good news, because if we have awareness of our thoughts, we can sort of choose our emotions. Sometimes it seems like these feelings of urges, temptation, and deprivation come out of the blue. But they don't really: they are always tied to a thought. So part of the trick is just becoming aware of what our brains are telling us and choosing our thoughts with intention.
Let me give you an example of how all this works for me. In the midst of Covid, I was invited to a brunch with a few of my closest friends. These get togethers were rare during Covid, so I was really looking forward to it. But as soon as the invite went out I started to panic - what am I going to eat? Here were a few of the thoughts that were running through my head and the emotions those thoughts generated:
Oh no! I won't be able to eat anything there (panic/deprivation);
I'll have to bring my own food and that won't be fun at all (pity/deprivation);
Everyone else can just eat whatever they want and I'm going to be there with my boring diet food (pity/deprivation);
It's not fair! (pity/deprivation);
This is going to be miserable (misery/deprivation);
I shouldn't have to spend this much time and energy thinking about what to eat (victim/pity/deprivation);
I want/should be able to eat whatever I want (urge/temptation)
I WANT to eat and drink what everyone else is having - this is so unfair. (urge/temptation)
After I run through that cycle of thoughts, I go into resistance-mode(resistance for me has a Karen/Mom/Bossy sound to her) and start telling myself one or more of the following:
You're stronger than this! This is pathetic. It's just food. (shame)
Quit being such a baby - it's only food. (shame)
You really should just focus on enjoying your friends' company, not the food. (shame, guilt).
You don't really want to eat that stuff - you want to stay on track with your plan! (guilt, shame)
You'll only feel worse if you give into your desire. (guilt, shame)
Why are you making this all about food? (shame, guilt)
I can't believe after all these years you haven't figured this out (shame guilt)
There will be NO veering off your plan. (teetering toward rebellion)
Pull it together, sister!
Once I've had enough of fighting with myself--which I think will prepare me to resist all the stuff that isn't on my plan--I'm ready to run for the hills and throw in the towel. This usually starts with bargaining and then goes into full on rebellion. This thought cycle goes a little something like this and, as you can see, that beach ball is inching closer and closer to smacking me in the face:
A few bites off plan can't possibly hurt anything.
I just want to enjoy a morning off. I deserve it.
I've been working so hard and deserve a break.
A little can't possibly hurt.
I'll eat my healthy food first and then just have a few treats/bites of the good stuff.
I'll just skip eating all day and eat whatever I want. That can't hurt anything.
If I eat it out of the bowl/bag/don't put it on my plate it doesn't count.
Screw it! YOLO. (Food plan? What food plan?).
What works better for me than than this torturous thought-emotion cycle that results in just throwing in the towel (and subsequent feelings of shame and guilt)? For me, empowerment and truth are the best antidotes to feelings of temptation and restriction.
The truth is that I want to go to brunch with my friends and eat things there that are off plan and drink wine, but I also want to stay the course with my plans for losing weight. (calm)
I'm an adult, and I get to choose what I will/won't eat. I have all the power here. (empowerment).
I get to choose what is most important to me. (empowerment).
A strong urge/desire won't kill me - I can just feel it until it leaves. (empowerment).
Empowerment is a GOOD antidote to feelings of restriction.
Worthy Desires vs. Unworthy Desires
Urges, desires, temptations, wants - these are high energy emotions that are part of the human condition. They are good things, really - they can move us in the direction of our dreams. But our primitive and evolved brains can conjure up many urges and desires on any given day - some that are worthy and will evolve us and some that are just junk . So it's important to distinguish between the two and indulge mostly our worthy desires. What's the difference? For me, worthy desires are usually long-term and call to my highest self: like competing for a fitness competition, running a marathon, making a career change. These desires aren't fleeting and I find myself coming back to them, again and again. And it feels like a little piece of my soul is tied to them.
More often than not unworthy desires are generated by our primitive brain (i.e., the lizard brain) that is just looking for a quick dopamine hit. They are very short-term: a bottle of wine after a hard day at work, a cupcake when we walk into a bakery , the leftover crusts from my kids' grilled cheese. These unworthy desires don't linger (unless I'm feeling guilts for indulging them) a day, two days, or months later. Even though it might not feel like it in the moment - if you just allow that urge for these lower, unworthy desires to dissipate you will forget you even had them. (Rarely am I lamenting the grilled cheese crusts a day or two days after I decide to throw them in the trash).
True Freedom
I think we all fantasize that a day will come when we will be free. Free to eat, drink, spend, you name it however we want without consequence. But is this really freedom? (And do you actually know anyone who gets to do whatever they want without consequence?) To me, real freedom is being able to dream big dreams and go after them with confidence that I will stay the course and not derail or sabotage myself by indulging in unworthy desires.
Seven Steps to Managing Urges and Desires
The next time you find yourself facing an urge or temptation for something that is not on your plan, try this:
Plan ahead: Decide ahead of time with your evolved brain what you will eat or drink. Even if I don't know what's on the menu, my highest self usually only wants one serving of dinner, or a few glasses of wine, or one slice of cake. Very rarely does highest self actually think it's a good idea to drink the ENTIRE bottle of wine.
Acknowledge the Desire: I analogize this to having your two-year old who is throwing a tantrum come sit next to you on the couch. You don't fight with the toddler or let her make any decisions - you just invite her to come sit next to you until she quiets down.
Find an Empowering Thought: Try to identify what you are thinking that is generating the urge/desire. Is there any self-pity, admonishing, or shaming going on? Or is your brain lying to you and telling you "a little won't hurt?" In my experience these thoughts are unhelpful, untrue, habitual, disempowering and only intensify feelings of deprivation.
Engage with Your Highest Self: Ask her what she wants? Do you want to drink the wine? Or would you rather stick to your plan and not drink it? Between the two what do you want most?
Nothing Has Changed: Remind yourself that your temptations/urges do not change anything about the bigger goals you have set for yourself. There's no need to panic and change course.
Feel the urge/temptation in your body.
Move on with whatever you were planning to do.
With a little practice, you'll find that your confidence will grow and grow and all that energy you spent white-knuckling your way through these sticky situations will be freed up for other things. We can learn to do hard things in pursuit of big dreams.
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